We sat in leather chairs facing our pastor and his book-covered desk. We’d been meeting with him for a couple weeks, discussing books about marriage and this was the week, the meeting, the topic: sex.
“I can’t believe he wants us to have a lot of sex,” my then-fiancé smirked.
“What a bummer,” I flirted back as he drove me home. Just two young people, a week out from their wedding and counting down the days until we would become one. Our main takeaway from that premarital counseling session was this: once married, we should have sex often.
It seemed a simple task at the time. A decade into marriage now, our intimacy has been tried by many circumstances. We are continuing to learn of the importance of pursuing each other through grief, joy, loss, pain, fear, and change.
Sex is important in marriage—it deepens our bond, helps us fight temptation, and is used by God to create new life. If sex in marriage is crucial, why do so many couples find it difficult?
Seasons of Struggle
Navigating sex in a broken world is delicate. Both men and women might experience physical struggles that act as roadblocks to sexual intimacy. These issues can cause frustration, pain, and discouragement for one or both spouses. Seasons of change can usher in challenges, as both husband and wife age, experience health issues, become parents, and our bodies change. When we face trials like financial stress, miscarriage, infertility, parenting concerns, and certainly when there is sin and hurt in a marriage, intimacy is impacted.
Unbiblical views regarding sex can also be damaging to intimacy. Many Christian couples partake in “duty sex,” when a woman submits to sexual activity out of a sense of obligation rather than mutual pleasure. Some Christians have been wrongly taught that wives must give themselves to their husbands as often as he desires, without question. This idea can stem from the false belief that sex was created for man’s pleasure alone. One danger of duty sex is that the wife is often neglected as she walks through a marriage where she rarely participates in climax alongside her lover. Sex becomes a chore rather than a shared pleasure. And the husband is deprived of the joy of serving his wife in a beautiful way.
Heartbreakingly, some have walked through spousal infidelity. Whether you were betrayed by your spouse’s porn addiction or an extra-marital affair, this shatters intimacy. Sin creates cracks in the foundation of a marriage, making sex together feel shameful or even sickening.
Living in a sin-soaked world has created a host of problems as we grapple with broken bodies, our own sin, and the sin of others. This isn’t how God designed sex.
The Designer’s Definition
God designed sex to be delightful for both men and women. He intended for sex between a husband and wife to be more than merely a physical connection of two bodies. An entire book of the Bible is dedicated to addressing the love between bride and husband: Song of Solomon. In this book, two lovers long to be intertwined and connected on the deepest of levels. It is godly and breath-taking. The couple faces challenges (ch. 5) and later reconciles (ch. 6). By the end of the book, they have aged together and still bask in each other’s love. Their story is one of perseverance toward intimacy—an example for us.
She Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth! For your love is better than wine; He Behold, you are beautiful, my love; behold, you are beautiful; your eyes are doves.— Song. 2:2, 15
Mutual service appears to abound in their marriage bed. They seek to please each other and pour out their affection on their “beloved.” Paul speaks to this in 1 Corinthians when he reminds us not to deprive one another because in marriage our bodies are not our own, but our spouse’s (1 Cor. 7:3–5). This is not an excuse to coerce our partner into sexual relations, demanding they fulfill our fantasies and desires. Paul wants husbands and wives to serve one another and prefer one another. Sex is not one-sided.
This is godly intimacy: a husband and wife, united together, body and soul, sacrificing for each other, aiming to serve one another in bed, persevering through sexual struggles together, seeking to learn about the other, and looking to the sexual needs of one another. It will never be perfect—after all, we live in a world with illness, unstable hormones, medications, disabilities, and sin. But if two people are seeking to selflessly please their spouse, this is sex as God intends, sex that glorifies him as Creator
The Beauty of Intimacy
God-honoring sexual intimacy within marriage starts long before two become one. Even before we enter a relationship in pursuit of marriage, Christians should cultivate a biblical view of sex and intimacy. If two people are seeking to grow in selflessness in all aspects of their life, this will transfer into their union.
No couple will achieve a perfect sex life, but intimacy isn’t merely about being lovers, but also about being friends and fellow-laborers for the kingdom of God. It’s about sharing all things together and serving one another with mutual love and respect, inside and outside of the bedroom. Sex is part of what makes marriage a profound mystery, a portrait of Christ and his Bride (Eph. 5:31–32).
Sex is complicated in a broken world. Desire ebbs and flows for both men and women. A healthy sex life takes a lot of learning on both sides. It requires humility to learn what pleases our spouse rather than only seeking our own pleasure. Sexual intimacy is vital to a marriage. The beauty of it first starts with two hearts aligned in Christ, striving toward godliness together, and learning each day how to love each other more and more.
Footnotes
Douglas Wilson, Fidelity: What It Means to Be a One-Woman Man (Moscow, ID: Canon Press, 2004), 86-87.
Sheila Wray Gregoire, “Effects of Obligation on Libido,” Bare Marriage, September 15, 2023, https://baremarriage.com/2023/09/why-obligation-sex-wrecks-your-libido/.
